I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. Now life is normal again, though, and it feels like everyone has moved on except me. My girlfriend was beautiful, charismatic and beautiful. For me, She is the better part of me forever!!!!!!!! So, that is why the support group for me is a safe and validating place for support. For those of you who know yourselves well enough to know you wont finish, I want to tell you that I will link to additional resources at the end of this post. They tried to avoid my feelings when I talked about my husband over the phone as if nothing ever happened and made me feel that theyve never been happier when they hear me cry and miserable. I have fought for her to help her for years but as you know.. mentally ill people are very difficult to deal with on any level. FallenAngel January 10, 2021 at 1:39 am Reply. Its been 7 years and both people I dated after were openly threatened that I still had feelings for the man that left this earth. All the best to you. i have substance abuse issues and verbally abuse my undeserving wife. I can only imagine how much pain his family is going through and it breaks my heart thinking how short his life was. For those with a spiritual side, she did appear to me in a dream for the first time a couple days ago looking healthy and pure. She had recently started talking to him through social media again and he had expressed interest in dating her and wanted to take her out. Like, i loss interest in meeting and talking to others even to my family. 2 years today Ill be writing about him today on idoltrash.com ty for this, Eleanor February 9, 2017 at 8:54 am Reply. hello its a beautiful crisp fall day here in Virginia and I do believe I am going to take my life in the next 24 hours by walking very far into some woods and hanging myself with a belt, hoping that i will not be discovered. I cant seem to put it to rest or slow my brain to form the simplest of thoughts. I cry more for his soul and the hell he must have been going through than I have ever cried before. He was never a depressed person. Rose Eiesland Foster May 17, 2016 at 4:52 pm Reply. Sadly, there is a stigma attached to mental illness and suicide. My sincerest advice, seek out a good grief therapist if you have not already. Im sorry.. We are vulnerable. In my opinion, suicide is not the easy way out. If any of us who are so blessed and fortunate to have not walked a mile in the shoes of someone suffering from bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, etc etc. After I got home from being with my family I went to see my therapist. Kelly Sorah September 11, 2018 at 4:13 am Reply. Sometimes I wonder why he didnt want to take me with him. Then, we started a popular business together 5 years ago, and so her death has been very public in our area with newspaper tribute articles (hardest interview ever) and hundreds of people looking to learn more details, express condolences, and show me happy photos or her bright smiling lively face. I have met so many people who know someone who died by suicide. I was struggling with every sort of disorder and constantly overwhelmed and exhausted, and when I began recovering from my severe depression, Jacob was the catalyst of my happiness. He helped so many people in need. Johnny February 12, 2021 at 5:08 am Reply. One week ago my grandfather jumped in front of the metro. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. If you dont have the means for personal counseling, there are free support groups out there. Even if it is only one person who is suffering this way? She can running into the living room where I was and fell to the floor crying hysterically and I couldnt understand her. Thank you for listening I just cant sleep or function and just needed to share. He had never once mentioned suicidal thoughts, or even his depression. Dont let her do this to you. I think his mom might see me going out, having fun and enjoying life and think I am somehow disgracing his memory. my girlfriend commited suicide with her dads pistol today. No note. Charlotte Crosset January 20, 2021 at 4:16 pm Reply. One cop that secured the pistol took it down the road (because there was still one bullet in the gun.and my brother told him it didnt work) The officer fired it 67 times and the second bullet never fired. The rapper's 34-year-old brother, Glenn Johnson, reportedly committed suicide Tuesday. Things like that. I lost my closest brother 2 years ago to what was most likely suicide by cop. My ex-boyfriend recently took his own life after sexually harassing me and its been gnawing at me every moment Im not consumed by grief. My son was my daughters only sibling and they were so closeas a mom it makes me so sad as I am very close to my siblings. That is often a taboo subject; no one wants to admit that there is an element of relief sometimes when their loved one has died. I didnt, I couldnt, I am sorry. Michelle Masterson May 28, 2021 at 6:08 am Reply. Thank you so much for sharing this. My husband took his life in Jan 2016. Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand. Thank you so much for your article, and the comments below have helped me feel less lonely by a remarkable number. The thought that he suffered physically during the act, and that he had been so distraught as to choose this path has wrecked me. The second one was mine and my husband. But then in the second week, I started hearing from his friends. I know what its like. Today, it makes 2years since my son recovered after taking CONSUMMO herbal treatment, he is living a complete, normal, healthy life and has returned to college. I no longer feel like anything matters anymore. I wish they knew that it didnt make them any less manly. I wish they knew how many people they would hurt from this. It was the reality of our relationship and the abrupt end. I had post-traumatic stress reactions as a result of his abuse and so now I just feel free now that hes not here. my brother John thought he was a burden on us because of his drug addictions. Know that you will never be the same againand that you can survive and even go beyond surviving. The school counselor told us and Sean that he was faking it for attention. by stacy7132. I dont even know what it is I feel really, the absence of anything. The pain she must have felt I cant even begin to imagine. We were really close and I was very involved in seeking help for himIve avoided support groups because of my anxiety, but today was such a difficult day for methat I know its time for counseling and a support group. He was hysterical, and called fir help. I have a beautiful wife now and am 26 years old but will never be able get this out of my head or the depression. Its all she could talk about! He just refused any help. I guess time has helped a little. That day was the end of her life on earth and mine too.I mostly just stay in bed and read my daughters last text messages to me begging me to believe her to believe that she was not hearing voices,that people in the neighborhood were really stalking us. A year later my husband died of heart attack and my other brother went to prison for drugs he started using after my baby brothers death. My own life gets shorter each day, and I recognize this. Hey im sorry to hear that you are going through such a situation. I feel like i cant love anymore. The decline was shocking, and no combination of medication seemed to work. That I will always love him and could only ever love him. Feel so guilty and miss him so much. I feel defeated I feel like I have lost something irreplaceable and Im scared to live this lofe without him but feel what you feel. My brother took his life 3 years ago, he wrapped his head with a towel and proceeded to shoot himself, he was just 27 years old. is the new normality. I tried to let him know people cared and that he was a great person and i don't even remember what I all said. Your husband was very lucky to have such a kind wife for so many years. About a year later and a whole lot of other issues (oldest came out as transgender amongst them) I had an epiphany: what good does it due to be angry with a dead man.? All business and paperwork was organized and his note told his wife where to find everything. I hear that you sometimes blame yourself for his suicide. If any of you are familiar with the idea of attachment styles, it feels as though the loss of my mother completely obliterated any secure attachments I had and I feel stuck in this space of anxious attachment (fearful that small inconsequential things will ruin the relationship, excessive fear of abandonment, etc.). I dread it. Share stories of their lives with others, the good parts. Thanks for continuing the conversation! he fooled us all, he hid it so well that even seen him almost every day i could not get a hint of what was happening. We would rather blame ourselves (or someone else) than accept that sometimes things are outside of our control and that there is nothing we could have done. When we spoke on the phone she explained to me that she had dropped out of school a few months back after she was hospitalized for a week after having a mental breakdown (and being officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder) and had moved home with her family and recently started a part-time job. We rallied around her and prayed that she would outgrow this and that it was part of the normal teenage angst. I forgive myself for whatever I was able to do or not do during the time we had together. I just feel so lost, confused, hurt, and sad, I just found out two days ago that my sweet sweet brother hanged himself. I wonder if the lizards okay. Id never seen my father cry until this and I am struggling as I have to go back to school to teach soon. Ill love you forever and will see you soon enough my love. After he was gone for the 5 wks & his professor didnt answer his emails. I am getting grief therapy because I dont know how I can handle this pain. We were going to grow old together. Apparently she had called them before shed done anything and asked how long it would take them to get there of course they didnt answer that and she told them to hurry cause she had a toddler in the house and that her sister was on her way down and she didnt want me to find her. I thought about it but then I thought no, nothing will happen to her, Ill see her in the morning.. On the second day it suddenly hit me that to be a young woman between the ages of 12 and 16 and lose your mother to unexpected suicide Isa potentially life-wrecking traumatic event that could potentially affect these children for decades, or longer. I dont know what Im supposed to say or do, or how to brace myself for the waves of grief and anxiety and obligations waiting for me back home. Her husband could not cope, especially because their daughter was 4 when my friend tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose. Noit is not helpful for people to tell you others have worse things happen to them. I have never experienced suicide this closely before right next door. She was like another grandmother to my 7 year old and thats also hard for me to handle. I struggle with depression, PTSD, anxiety, flashbacks, insomnia, agoraphobia, social anxiety, and self blame. Now I will say time will never heal this wound, I only have learned to navigate it better and to be an advocate. Before my niece died, I promised her I would take care of her mom and dad, which was very important to her. Im glad I could help him but god I cant help but think sometimes I could save a friend and not my sister, Please help me understand. Or that he ever had considered it before. Hi there. There are days like today that I feel Ive lost my weapons. You did the best you could. We couldnt see his pictures,walking in his room for 8 months and still cannot touch his staff,make will wait till we can. Very thick bandage wrapped what had to be 500 times around his head. I found him, just like I believe he knew I would. he was only 21, in his fourth year of uni, just asked my parents for help yesterday. All the best to you. Now, three weeks ago, I lost my only sibling. I cant imagine how anyone actually close to him feels right now. I made promises to him I dont that I could ever make to anyone elseand I never will. TJ had been the organizer for the group for two years and everyone just thought the world of him. And thats probably on the low end considering almost everyone in my life knows how my mom died and Im sure people police themselves around me more as a result! My whole world was spinning and numb. I cant email her, etc. Childhood lasts a lifetime. My wife fulfilled what Gods plans for her were, she is Gods perfection. LIVE in peace. Over the course of 2 years I learned how wonderful she was and what it meant to feel her love. that his last message of that night? He refused to move. She had cuts from her wrists to her shoulders, and her legs. Jeff couldnt open up to anyone about his pain. The thought that he is no longer physically present in this world is too unbearable to imagine. Something that helps me is looking for signs that hes still with me. Ive done research and many studies in other countries recognize suicide as a high statistic killer in pregnant women, but up until last week none of us around her knew that. we are only 1 yr and 3 months apart so ive spent all my childhood with him. Its overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. I dont say a lot, just listen. Hard. On Jan 7th my baby brother hung himself. But often times good people still do bad things when substances are involved. My husband found it hard to process his emotions, but when things got significantly bad for him, all our long term friends disappeared and his family refused to acknowledge his issues or pain. We loved each other so much. Certainly, nobody will ever replace him, or the piece of my heart that he owns forever. He was to start s new rotation & his 4th year Monday. She had one of the most pure hearts and was the best mother Ive ever seen. My mom committed suicide. They entered into the apartment to find him hanging. No note, no reason therefore no answers. The scene, blood, and his dead body will never leave my mind. If you are someone grappling with this concern, know that it is normal. Then, 3 days ago my daughter called to tell me he shot himself. That is beyond comprehension to me. My brother 43 just days after his birthday he Hung himself at home after a huge argument with his wife. . I banged my forehead into a wall for a bit. Mark 6:7-34 KJV; And he called unto him the twelve, and began to send I will not b in shock any more and I need that. I think I have grief guilt. I tried to reach him after hearing about the first attempt but he never contacted me. All the best to you. Sending you all the support for your air travels and an internet hug. Your comment made me cry. I walk out to my kitchen to hear the news that my brother has hung himself. Thanks, Josie, Im so sorry for what youre going through. Please be gentle with yourself. Perhaps if it wasnt this time, he would have died the next time. You may feel confused and forgetful. Im mad, Im crying all the time, and none of this makes sense at all. It wasnt until I got there that I made someone tell me exactly what happened. I keep telling myself my wife can remarry and do well financially and my five kids will have each other to lean on. I should have known! Self inflicted gunshot to his head. For me there is such a difference in grieving between a death from a physical cause and a suicide. But I was always his, and he was always mine. And that I cant make my own mother proud or happy. After some questioning which kind of turned into arguing. My prayers are with you. I had to take charge of his funeral for my parents. I just lost my son to apparent suicide, although he is listed in the archives as missing. But, its a tar pit trap. My church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, provides opportunities for me to help others who are grateful for my help, like bringing a meal to someone who is sick. I am lost, scared, confused. Its been 24 hours and theres no signs of him or his vehicle. He was worried about where to met up with his class. I couldn't really take it all in. she had a heart condition, and faced w/ the prospect of a shortened life, and a body she hated, she killed herself. I cant say that he blew his head away. and in Isaiah 60: 1 Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you. Same with my brother. I am continuing to heal from the tragic loss of my own dear son, who took his life in June of 2020. Not him. She could easily brush off her tears and get back in the game. I was losing my happiness trying to make him happy. Things started to look up. I still cry quietly, sometimes. Question why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers. He had a strange relationship with his brother, which he stated he felt second best. Thank you! Christina Patterson, whose sister also suddenly died, finds out how she coped Sat 23 Sep 2017 01.30 EDT The last thing I said to her was: I want to see you first thing, on the first day of highschool. I can feel him next to me, in my peripherals but I just cant quite see him. I tried to get help for David but never got any. It was literally 2 months to the day from when we got married that this happened. This is all super helpful, I needed this. I truly thought she was up there just just like always and never imagined anything else.The electrician found my baby, she had hung herself. Im being consumed by it and Im scared of never being able to feel okay again. My SonMy Son: A Guide to Healing after Death, Loss or Suicide. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. That he was sexually promiscuous and non-committal, and inconsistent, and had low tolerance for interactions and needed breaks from pretending. How I Survived the Suicide of My Son: 15 Tips for Grieving Parents Or said. We started a search for our son when he was 18 and he for us. Weve talked about this and many apologies have come from all of this and yet I still often found myself either lecturing or complaining in some manipulative way, this includes the day my brother died. She was 29 years old beautiful human being, she as many others should not have died like this. I was not aware of those things until after his death. They said it was Bipolar.. but I think it was other things as well. I hope I find a way or find the will to wait for Gods will. Still early days, but a friend who went through the same tragedy, said as a family, keep talking and supporting each other. If you think it would be helpful, have you tried speaking with your mother about the potential of reading his letter? No one else knows my brother was a pedophile and thats why he was struggling and why he killed himself. My 28 year old son was found hanging in the woods after going missing from a sober home 3 weeks earlier. I was the last person he texted before he took his life. We had argued, and I said horrible things. However, just a few days ago, my friend texts me again to say that she did go to the viewing and met TJs parents and they told her that he had hung himself. Love your family and friends. Even my remaining living siblings have not suffered as much as me, as he and I were the closest, and they stopped having pity on his addiction issues many years ago. I loved my son with all my heart. Question why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers. I hope he is up there looking over his family and friends and that he rests easy and flies high! That is absolutely heartbreaking. Grief? Hello, I am also able to relate to this post, my friend was talking to me over social media when he killed himself 16 months ago now. I hope Gabriel can hear me, and that his mother and father go to justice, I love you, Gabe you will always be in my heart, you killing yourself has hurt me deeply, but now youe hopefully happy and in peace. Have it be some part of your story as messed up as that it. I dont love you, I dont love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say. Sometimes, stories went around that her bf was hitting her, and every time people asked her about it, shed just say that she fell over or something.. The most kind, generous, vivacious soul, now gone. saige overson July 5, 2021 at 6:38 pm Reply. She deserved the world and now its too late to give it to her. To my honey bunny thank you for the love you made me feel. My whole world caved in and I died with him that day as Ive never been the same ever since. Im starting to recover, but I cant handle anyone mentioning his name. I want you to know that you sound like an incredible mother and that your children are very lucky to have you in their lives. There were recent plans to re-enter a clinic. His childhood was mostly normal and happy. He was retired Navy, and served for21 years. We can only guess at how much emotional pain he was in because he hid it so well. My younger brothers son is three. I find myself wanting, in some way to forget he was part of my life. Despite having children, I know that they dont need me and they will have a better life without me. If a person interprets their symptoms as dangerous, threatening, or indicative of a larger mental or physical problem, they are more likely to fear their reactions. You need to be with your family, to grieve. My wife bore my sons and daughters. A-myo-trophic comes from the Greek language. I know she was stubborn and had a strong spirit desperately trying to escape a diseased brain that was dealing with way to many issues. I took him for granted and I think its been a guilt Ive held for myself for quite some time. A month later he ended his life. I'm struggling to cope. I heard him go back to the cabinets. Admittedly he struggled with the transition (which was not immediate) and the price that he had to pay in social exclusion and rejection. I cannot describe my feelings, and I dont know what to do anymore. They note: Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide, they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.. In reference to the other comments above, I use the phrase died by suicide most often. I pray the unjustice his sister and son (who were estranged from him) will get their Karma. Remember: The choice was not yours. Kim Patterson February 14, 2019 at 12:12 pm Reply.