I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. Milton Berle Never forget that broken crayons can also color. 271. 267. Superwoman: single. 26. Every day I am devoted to my passions and dreams. 100 Short Positive Affirmations: Keep Repeating Them 1. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. In the morning, I cant get up. And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! 59. I did not trip and fall. Life always offers you a second chance. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. Exercise? My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. - George Burns. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. 226. But this shouldnt be a problem, as you can come up with your own humorous affirmations. I keep moving forward even if my pants come off. 168. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. I create my life on a quantum level. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. The older I get, the more I start ignoring my friends. I am intelligent. Enjoy! I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me. Ben Hogan. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. Life gives the test first and then the lesson. 77. A wishbone. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. 3. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. 80 Funny Quotes To Make You Smile | Shutterfly - Ideas & Inspiration You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. 35. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. Steve Martin, 254. 2. Short Funny Sayings I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. The world is missing some pizzazz. 236. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. 165. Its a door, thats how they work. There are endless opportunities. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. 2. 134. 4. Because if you can put a smile on your face with a little humor, I guarantee that youll feel some weight come off your shoulders.f. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. 105. 135. Your life is your message to the world. 167. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. 82. Steven Wright Stop trying to make everyone happy. I am awesome. Life is a game full of little and big surprises. Ann Landers, 244. 14. 132. I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes., 2. If you woke up feeling drained and blurry, these funny affirmations will boost your energy and get you ready to slay the day! 100 Funny Monday Quotes and Sayings - Inside Of Happiness Those who snore always fall asleep first. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. Check out our funny affirmation selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. I can't make everyone happy, I'm not tequila. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. 2. 18 Funny Positive Affirmations to Get Through Your Shitty Day 72. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. I believe in what's possible for me. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Description for this block. Because they make up everything. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. I love living in my unique female body. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash., 9. "Change is not a four letter word but often your reaction to it is!". Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. What do computers eat for a snack? I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. 214. - Jeffrey Gitomer. 2. 71. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. Funny Positive Affirmations For Work. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Why did the school kids eat their homework? 223. 134. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? My funny vibes attract my happy tribe. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. The rest are too expensive. Pat Sajak, 41. Never judge a book by its movie. 191. 39. Top 75 Funny Daily Affirmations | Committed To Myself 5. 38. 183. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. Dave Barry Enjoy! 185. 193. I say what I want and i dont care what everyone else thinks about it. 75. Albert Einstein. 274. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. I did not trip and fall. "Who you are inside is what helps you make and do everything in life". As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. Batwoman: single. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. 168. Its scary when it disappears. I tell you what always catches my eye. I am passing all the things and hardships with a smile. 80. 79. 116. 163. Short people with an umbrella. This might be a work in progress, or you might need to remind yourself of how funny you actually are. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. Bill Murray, 251. 10 Funny Affirmations That Will Put A Smile On Your Face - QuoteReel Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. 7. 99 Positive Morning Affirmations You Can Use Daily The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Stay focused and consistent, and youll start noticing the healing powers of humor and fun. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. You wanna know who Im in love with? 132. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. I didnt want to interrupt her. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. 58. 222. 160. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 -9 years, you can believe in yourself for at least 5 minutes. And a funny bone. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.". For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. Robert Bloch 178. It will warm you twice unknown. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Dave Barry. Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? 110. I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. 127. Not only can laughter improve our problem-solving skills, but it can also help battle various diseases. Frances McDormand, 42. Jun 19, 2018 - Explore Jamie Hadland's board "funny/sarcastic affirmations" on Pinterest. Choose words that make you feel confident about yourself. It is already tomorrow in Australia.". Decomposing. Remember, no one can make you feel anything other than what YOU allow yourself. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. 38. 22. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. Bill Murray, 257. Shoot for the moon. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. Good morning! 172. 120. A backbone. I will drink my coffee and conquer my day. Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat., 6. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. Friends buy you food. 57. Charles M. Schulz. Those who snore always fall asleep first. I see the funny side of life more and more. Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. 191. Swimming trunks. Here is a list for you that has all the funny affirmations: I am making myself laugh every time I say any sarcastic word. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. 51. 22. 60. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. ~ Bill Gates. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Today I was a hero. HAM AND EGGS A days work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? Socrates. 186. Im still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower., See also: 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 8. You can also think of your affirmations while you work, drive, do yoga, or simply enjoy time with friends. My jokes do. The world is my buffet, and my plate is ready to go. 6. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. A mind is like a parachute. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 157. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? I can believe in myself for 5 minutes. 128. 177. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. You can use affirmations to alleviate pressure in highly stressful scenarios, like taking an exam or going to a job interview. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 27. 261. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Excuse me please, I have to go hide a treasure. Top 10 Funny Affirmations For Self-Esteem, Funny Daily Affirmations To Boost Your Energy, Funny Positive Affirmations For Confidence, 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset. 35. Build a bridge. Some people are like clouds. Frances McDormand Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks. 152. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 123. Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of a Single Mom, Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of Midlife Relationships, Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? 170. A backbone. 101. 150. My mind is becoming much sharper. I train my body. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. 182. Theres life without Facebook and internet? You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! Here are the 200 best sarcastic quotes, from funny comments, sayings, and phrases dripping with snarky sarcasm. 215. 5. 9. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. 13. 85. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. 274. It will just flow naturally. Today, I look at my goals. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. Friday Affirmations: 20 Affirmations to Wind Down the Week To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. "Don't let anyone ever dull your . I accept my body the way it is today. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. Everyone brings happiness to this office. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. 164. 63. Chris Rock, 256. - Kyle Chandler. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. So far, so good. Whatever I do, I will do it for fun, but with dedication and focus. 203. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. 185. Dont forget that you get 24 hours, even on your worst day. Finally, if you want a simple tool to record and recite these affirmations, then check out these 13 affirmations apps that help you create a positive mindset. Being funny seems to be taking less effort. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. 103. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. I just go normal from time to time. And their purpose certainly isn't to minimize hard feelings. Its okay if people dont like me. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for! Declare your affirmations slowly and clearly. And no, that's definitely not a bad thing! Dear universe, I am totally open to all the amazing things coming my way. 100 Positive Affirmations for Kids (and Why They're so Important) Wilson Mizner, 262. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. Breasts dont have eyes. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. I dont think thats a coincidence. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. 1. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. health is important. Short Funny Quotes. Actually, you dont have to imagine. Youre talking to yourself. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. It doesnt work if it is not open. Feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and more to motivate them every morning. 48. - Unknown. Robert Bloch. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. I am on a seafood diet. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full., 11. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. Because seven ate nine. 71. 37. 210. 108. 199. 161. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. Decomposing. I am at peace with my body and accept it as it is. Learn sign language, its very handy. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. Life does a pretty good job of keeping us stressed and worried, we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. Be Funny Positive Affirmations I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. 89. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. 30 Short Daily Affirmations for Living Your Best Life - Healing Brave Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. Sam Levenson I experience ease and flow as I navigate my exhilarating life. Leave me a if you agree! As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. 255. I release all shame about my body. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor., 4. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. 43. Using affirmations can significantly impact your outlook on life, but saying such serious statements to yourself can often make you feel silly. 74. A backbone. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. 151. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. Flip Wilson, 263. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. 19. 52. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Ken Dodd Before using these amusing affirmations, you should believe in your sense of humor. "May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short.". 133. This is the beauty of funny affirmations. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! As a result, youll stay consistent, and with affirmations, consistency is the name of the game.